I was blown away What could I say It all seemed to make sense You've taken away everything And I can't deal with that. I try to see the good in life but good things in life are hard to find We'll blow it away, blow it away Can we make this something good? Well I'll try to do it right this time around Let's start over Try to do it right this time around It's not over Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground This love is killin me But you're the only one It's not over I've taken all I can take And I cannot wait We're wastin too much time Bein strong, holdin on Can't let it bring us down My life with you means everything So I won't give up that easily I'll blow it away, blow it away Can we make this something good? Cause it's all misunderstood Well I'll try to do it right this time around Let's start over Try to do it right this time around It's not over Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground This love is killin me But you're the only one It's not over We can't let this get away Let it out, let it out Don't get caught up in yourself Let it out Let's start over We'll try to do to it right this time around It's not over Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground. This love is killin me But you're the only one It's not over Let's start over It's not over, yeah... This love is killin me But you're the only one It's not over
Love, Xavier
"To my father in heaven.. it's not over.. thank u :) i'll try again i promise"
<3
1:49 AM
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Back after a really really long break. Reason of my return? haha guess you guys must have guessed, another hard hitting emotional phase i'm facing. A little update about my life at this current stage.. a 22 yr old serving his national servicing in the airforce as a technician (Yea! finally got what i wanted!), well.. although the pay isnt really good.. can't complain with the privileges i'm given :) . Well, plently of stuff happened lately.. as usual.. i was chasing my dreams of having a really comfortable life.. catching the latest movies, buying the latest gadgets and clothes, even scanning ard to see if i'm able to see a suitable partner for myself in the future. And then.. another reality check for me came crashing down.. but this time.. i wasn't feel with hatred nor sadness.. i'm kindda glad it happened. Shows that god is really working hard up to there to pull me back and slap me in the face. My dad emailed me.. and opened up some facts that r happening in his life right now. I've never spoken to my dad about anything so personal before.. it was always the strong front between me and him..
Dad: "Xavier.. enough money? daddy will be back soon and gonna sell my ship so got money" Me: "Yeah don't worry i have enough.. i'm doing okay" Dad: "Everythings okay? your life ok?" Me: "Yeah don't worry abt me.. i'm fine.. thanks dad"
In every conversation.. throughout the pass few years.. it was only these surfaced words between us.. till his email came.. My dad was a man who was kind and patient.. always giving and never taking anything back.. or even much if he did.. he provides and loves the pple ard him.. somehow.. pple took advantage of him in the world out there.. but he never complained and always providing no matter how far from us he is or how badly his business was. in his email.. he told me about his life.. how he felt.. how is was doing.. how much he really struggles with hardship.. I on the other hand.. was still living in the past as a child.. trying hard to look good infront of my peers.. getting emotional about girls.. getting out of responsibilities i that i was tasked to do. I am still immatured.. always thinking.. worrying.. and not doing what i'm supposed to do. 22.. i'm still living in my "look good" dream world.. movies.. girls.. late nights.. easy way out. i'm glad.. he slapped me back into reality.. similar to what my buddy sera is going thru right now.. i gotta be that man to walk on the numerous broken pieces of glass.. to deny and love.. and get to the other side.
hopefully that would really make me that man i wanna be.
"get me out"
<3
10:57 PM
Sunday, November 19, 2006
"MAP OF XAV'S TEKONG LIFE!!!"
hEy hey!~ back from camp! and yes! i feel lk tofu now.. exhausted by the exercises a.k.a PT everyday! ARGH!~ but it was fun! I'M passing out in 2 weeks time!! so fast rite!! woooHO~~ gotta clear my SIT TEST and final IPPT and im outta there! man.. im sure gonna miss tekong.. (no kick leh ORD Bros.. LOL!) well.. hope they post mi to a super slack unit after tat.. no MP selection for mi :( maybe coz im super short :P but its OK!~ AS LONG AS I POP IN 1 PIECE!! tat makes onli 600+ more days to ORD LOH!!~ lk damn fast rite! from 680 to 600!~ haha.. I DUN WANNA LIVE AN ARMY LIFE!! sia la.. another bro juz went steady again.. off to bed i go! MAMA I WANNA GO HOOOOoooooMME~!
p.s: Dun ever dig ur trench super deep and nice.. they will NEVER check and ask u to cover it up in the DARK! IDIOT ENCHIKZ!~~
<3
12:17 AM
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Congratz to my 2 close broz!~ man.. secretly go steady behind my back while im protecting the nation.. and the best thing is! they nv even let mi know! Grr~! Haha but i real happy for both of em.. the 2 most emo bros in the east finally r attached! Yuppie!! Haiz.. well guess im alone now~ :( well kindda attached too.. to my rifle tat is.. but not to worry! guess my chance to find my better half will come soon!~ juz 627 more days to ORD LOH!~ :X haha.. gotta plz god first.. hope i can stay faithful! once again! ALL THE BEST BROTHERZ!! and BEST WISHES!~
In commemoration to this wonderful event! i shall hao lian my B3 standard art piece! i called it..
"Highway to No.9, Silence to No.4"
-You have my blessings dear brothers :)
p.s: heres a lil jay chou love song for u guys ;) Oooo.. how i miss singing!~
The white windmills whirling silently The feeling of reality appears so surreal The beautiful sea, the intricate tears
Watching your silly grin, clasping my hand I hope this dream has no end, so let’s just walk till here Because i don’t wish for this bliss to end so soon It is a pity that there is no blessing, I don’t feel lonely at all when loving you, i won’t let you cry again I carry you till the end, can we not turn back
You embraced me, telling me you don’t need any promises You said I will have more freedom if i am by myself I don’t understand what you said, regardless, i won’t let go of your hands I carry you till the end, can we not think too much
Will we still be holding hands, reaching later to the end You said we shouldn’t meet anymore just for this brief moment Thanks for letting me know, for i will be here waiting for eternity
<3
8:14 PM
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Here it comes! Another new chapter of my life.. No more slping till 12 in the afternoon.. no more relax lifestyle.. no more DOTA!! no more comfort. Yup! its finally time to become a MACHO-ER man (since i believe im already 1.. heheh).. Thank you everyone for your wonderful support.. encouragements.. gifts.. and love :) i'm certainly gonna treasure the life and frdships that i have.. My last day as a civilian :) no more pink IC.. hello green SAF card. I'm sure gonna miss you guys.. Thank god for everyone of you and most importantly.. thank god for everything :)
Here i go! Pe@c3 Outtiezz~! Far far away in the south china sea ah!~!
<3
3:30 PM
Thursday, August 24, 2006
I don't know how to love you.. I've tried.. I'm exhausted.. ..I'm helpless
<3
12:54 AM
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
There comes a time in your life when just being plain you.. isn't really enough for the real world ahead. How you watch the lives of people either on television or even on the streets.. how pitiful their lives are.. losing their love ones.. living in the worse state of their lives.. while you just sit around.. tsk to yourself a little.. and juz move on to be that plain o'l.. "i can't do anything abt it"..you. Selfish and arrogant are we all.. I believe god created the lives of humans to be equal and just. When reality hits, and his plan is executed.. theres no turning back. paralyze totally.. losing an limb.. or even a love one.. it all becomes so real and traumatizing.. if that reality was yours. You start to panic.. you blame god because it was too much for you to handle. Suicidal.. lost.. and even losing your sanity. How fragile we all are.. i look at my life thru a 3rd person's perspective.. that guy is nothing but a selfish.. worthless son who can't help his family. His sister gotta trash her saving to help his mum.. and his mum gotta trash hers to provide for the family.. and all he does was spend his savings on random entertainments to pleasure himself. looking thru the time glass of that 21 yr old man.. juz hoping that it wouldnt end up lk some korean drama which everyone dies in the end. Another chapter.. another challenge.. another one of his tests.. i pray for a solution and a way outta this mess.. i pray for courage and strength to be that pillar for my family.. i know he has a plan.. i'm eager to know what he really wants me to do. Please be my strenght O' lord.. please be my light.
Is this how he really felt? the reality of his life.. The true lord and savior.. Christ Jesus.
