The Intangible

It's was over..

2007-04-30T01:49:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord,

I was blown away
What could I say
It all seemed to make sense
You've taken away everything
And I can't deal with that.
I try to see the good in life
but good things in life are hard to find
We'll blow it away, blow it away
Can we make this something good?
Well I'll try to do it right this time around
Let's start over
Try to do it right this time around
It's not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground
This love is killin me
But you're the only one
It's not over
I've taken all I can take
And I cannot wait
We're wastin too much time
Bein strong, holdin on
Can't let it bring us down
My life with you means everything
So I won't give up that easily
I'll blow it away, blow it away
Can we make this something good?
Cause it's all misunderstood
Well I'll try to do it right this time around
Let's start over
Try to do it right this time around
It's not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground
This love is killin me
But you're the only one
It's not over
We can't let this get away
Let it out, let it out
Don't get caught up in yourself
Let it out
Let's start over
We'll try to do to it right this time around
It's not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killin me
But you're the only one
It's not over
Let's start over
It's not over, yeah...
This love is killin me
But you're the only one
It's not over

Love,
Xavier

"To my father in heaven.. it's not over.. thank u :) i'll try again i promise"

When Intangible becomes Tangible

2007-03-13T22:57:00.000+08:00

Back after a really really long break. Reason of my return? haha guess you guys must have guessed, another hard hitting emotional phase i'm facing. A little update about my life at this current stage.. a 22 yr old serving his national servicing in the airforce as a technician (Yea! finally got what i wanted!), well.. although the pay isnt really good.. can't complain with the privileges i'm given :) . Well, plently of stuff happened lately.. as usual.. i was chasing my dreams of having a really comfortable life.. catching the latest movies, buying the latest gadgets and clothes, even scanning ard to see if i'm able to see a suitable partner for myself in the future. And then.. another reality check for me came crashing down.. but this time.. i wasn't feel with hatred nor sadness.. i'm kindda glad it happened. Shows that god is really working hard up to there to pull me back and slap me in the face. My dad emailed me.. and opened up some facts that r happening in his life right now. I've never spoken to my dad about anything so personal before.. it was always the strong front between me and him..

Dad: "Xavier.. enough money? daddy will be back soon and gonna sell my ship so got money"
Me: "Yeah don't worry i have enough.. i'm doing okay"
Dad: "Everythings okay? your life ok?"
Me: "Yeah don't worry abt me.. i'm fine.. thanks dad"

In every conversation.. throughout the pass few years.. it was only these surfaced words between us.. till his email came..
My dad was a man who was kind and patient.. always giving and never taking anything back.. or even much if he did.. he provides and loves the pple ard him.. somehow.. pple took advantage of him in the world out there.. but he never complained and always providing no matter how far from us he is or how badly his business was. in his email.. he told me about his life.. how he felt.. how is was doing.. how much he really struggles with hardship..
I on the other hand.. was still living in the past as a child.. trying hard to look good infront of my peers.. getting emotional about girls.. getting out of responsibilities i that i was tasked to do. I am still immatured.. always thinking.. worrying.. and not doing what i'm supposed to do.
22.. i'm still living in my "look good" dream world.. movies.. girls.. late nights.. easy way out.
i'm glad.. he slapped me back into reality..
similar to what my buddy sera is going thru right now..
i gotta be that man to walk on the numerous broken pieces of glass..
to deny and love..
and get to the other side.

hopefully that would really make me that man i wanna be.

"get me out"

Map of BMT!!

2006-11-19T00:17:00.000+08:00

"MAP OF XAV'S TEKONG LIFE!!!"

hEy hey!~ back from camp! and yes! i feel lk tofu now.. exhausted by the exercises a.k.a PT everyday! ARGH!~ but it was fun! I'M passing out in 2 weeks time!! so fast rite!! woooHO~~ gotta clear my SIT TEST and final IPPT and im outta there! man.. im sure gonna miss tekong.. (no kick leh ORD Bros.. LOL!) well.. hope they post mi to a super slack unit after tat.. no MP selection for mi :( maybe coz im super short :P but its OK!~ AS LONG AS I POP IN 1 PIECE!! tat makes onli 600+ more days to ORD LOH!!~ lk damn fast rite! from 680 to 600!~ haha.. I DUN WANNA LIVE AN ARMY LIFE!! sia la.. another bro juz went steady again.. off to bed i go! MAMA I WANNA GO HOOOOoooooMME~!

p.s: Dun ever dig ur trench super deep and nice.. they will NEVER check and ask u to cover it up in the DARK! IDIOT ENCHIKZ!~~

The BackStabberzz!!~~

2006-11-05T20:14:00.000+08:00

Congratz to my 2 close broz!~ man.. secretly go steady behind my back while im protecting the nation.. and the best thing is! they nv even let mi know! Grr~! Haha but i real happy for both of em.. the 2 most emo bros in the east finally r attached! Yuppie!! Haiz.. well guess im alone now~ :( well kindda attached too.. to my rifle tat is.. but not to worry! guess my chance to find my better half will come soon!~ juz 627 more days to ORD LOH!~ :X haha.. gotta plz god first.. hope i can stay faithful! once again! ALL THE BEST BROTHERZ!! and BEST WISHES!~

In commemoration to this wonderful event! i shall hao lian my B3 standard art piece! i called it..

"Highway to No.9, Silence to No.4"

-You have my blessings dear brothers :)

p.s: heres a lil jay chou love song for u guys ;) Oooo.. how i miss singing!~

The white windmills whirling silently
The feeling of reality appears so surreal
The beautiful sea, the intricate tears

Watching your silly grin, clasping my hand
I hope this dream has no end, so let’s just walk till here
Because i don’t wish for this bliss to end so soon
It is a pity that there is no blessing, I don’t feel lonely at all when loving you, i won’t let you cry again
I carry you till the end, can we not turn back

You embraced me, telling me you don’t need any promises
You said I will have more freedom if i am by myself
I don’t understand what you said, regardless, i won’t let go of your hands
I carry you till the end, can we not think too much

Will we still be holding hands, reaching later to the end
You said we shouldn’t meet anymore just for this brief moment
Thanks for letting me know, for i will be here waiting for eternity

The Final Showdown..

2006-09-07T15:30:00.000+08:00

Here it comes! Another new chapter of my life.. No more slping till 12 in the afternoon.. no more relax lifestyle.. no more DOTA!! no more comfort. Yup! its finally time to become a MACHO-ER man (since i believe im already 1.. heheh).. Thank you everyone for your wonderful support.. encouragements.. gifts.. and love :) i'm certainly gonna treasure the life and frdships that i have.. My last day as a civilian :) no more pink IC.. hello green SAF card. I'm sure gonna miss you guys.. Thank god for everyone of you and most importantly.. thank god for everything :)

Here i go! Pe@c3 Outtiezz~!
Far far away in the south china sea ah!~!

To you,

2006-08-24T00:54:00.000+08:00

I don't know how to love you..
I've tried..
I'm exhausted..
..I'm helpless

That time of your life..

2006-08-15T21:22:00.000+08:00

There comes a time in your life when just being plain you.. isn't really enough for the real world ahead. How you watch the lives of people either on television or even on the streets.. how pitiful their lives are.. losing their love ones.. living in the worse state of their lives.. while you just sit around.. tsk to yourself a little.. and juz move on to be that plain o'l.. "i can't do anything abt it"..you. Selfish and arrogant are we all.. I believe god created the lives of humans to be equal and just. When reality hits, and his plan is executed.. theres no turning back. paralyze totally.. losing an limb.. or even a love one.. it all becomes so real and traumatizing.. if that reality was yours. You start to panic.. you blame god because it was too much for you to handle. Suicidal.. lost.. and even losing your sanity. How fragile we all are.. i look at my life thru a 3rd person's perspective.. that guy is nothing but a selfish.. worthless son who can't help his family. His sister gotta trash her saving to help his mum.. and his mum gotta trash hers to provide for the family.. and all he does was spend his savings on random entertainments to pleasure himself. looking thru the time glass of that 21 yr old man.. juz hoping that it wouldnt end up lk some korean drama which everyone dies in the end. Another chapter.. another challenge.. another one of his tests.. i pray for a solution and a way outta this mess.. i pray for courage and strength to be that pillar for my family.. i know he has a plan.. i'm eager to know what he really wants me to do. Please be my strenght O' lord.. please be my light.

Is this how he really felt? the reality of his life..
The true lord and savior..
Christ Jesus.

Why - Nicole Nordeman

2006-07-17T02:29:00.000+08:00

Why do you choose him over evil..

This is why.. :)

Constructive day 2!!

2006-07-12T04:31:00.000+08:00

Another beautiful day! God planned it all soo well!! its lk i woke up instantly and well energized at lk 1030am in hte morning.. despite slping at 6am the previous nite! and guess wat! i made it for Victoria's Convo today! (Congrats Vicky!) Don't have any of the pictures up here yet.. coz vic selfishly kept em :X Well! a few of the campus peeps were there! lk poernomo,sera,andrew,david,weien n joanna! haha went for lunch at this sumo house look alike place at clementi interchange.. gosh.. the interchange is a super replica of bedok man! they even have lk ah beng snooker places and lousy laggy lan shops! but anywayz.. we went to eat at this con job sumo house place.. theres lk no one there with lousy tables,chairs and no aircon. Plus the food is lk genki prices!! Unagi for lk 8-10 bucks!! tats ridiculous!! sigh.. anywayz after tat we went to evangelize.. IN DOTA!!! hahahah!!! so farnie man.. vic was owning lk crazy for once.. and joanna was addicted to the dragon. Haha! went home after tat.. shortly a friend from poly called to ask if i wanted to have coffee and supper near my place.. changed and went to meet him.. ended up cycling!! OMGOSH!! it was sooo sooooo fun! Cycled in the rain! to pasir ris then to changi and then to the DEADLY *(@&#@!# LONG IDIOT WASTE OF TIME AIRPORT RUNWAY!! My legs were Ba Kwa-ed after the whole 5hr journey! OOoo! got to visit the places me and kev walked pass from the previous "Journey to Tampines From the Airport" quest! lol.. Cars r zooming pass 2 guys riding their illegal no lights bicycles onli lk inches apart! Cutting pass the ECP to the PIE!! i tot i was gonna die so i took a picture. LOL! But i made it back home safely! and my ka-cherng hurts wif burning pork legs. haha.. Oh.. i listen to Kiss Goodbye on the Expressway to calm myself down! THE END!
Thank you lordy for his wonderful day :) ur the greatest!

MeI Yi ChI H3 ni FeN KaI~~!!

Dirty Dusty Mirror

2006-07-07T00:47:00.000+08:00

If only things were just so simple. Where love is love, you = me and god is god. We are so stuck up these days, complicating our lives with foolish reasons to prove how secure and stable that particular “matter” must be in order for us to throw ourselves into it. Suddenly, the world is different; everything living in it is different. Why is believing, loving and serving god so hard! When god already made it so simple for all of us to understand. I fall into humiliation of how all of us humans think. Different churches battling one another for their term of the right teachings and salvation.. Destroying the one true meaning of what a church is meant to do. Its convictions vs. benefits and justifications now. Prove me this, prove me that.. is god simply just our creator or a lab rat. Why can’t just “I love you father” simply be beautiful, understandable and encouraging (full-stop).. but it must be followed by “Why do you love him?”.. “Tell me how can you love someone so intangible to you?”, “Why waste your time on meaningless *****”. *sigh*.. Sinners we are.. we are so unworthy of you yet you still love us and forgave our every sin. Let your name be praised across the highest mountain and the deepest oceans. You’re a sweet and patient god, who endures the stomping of disappointments of us humans. For you are one and only. The Father of many, the enemy of none.

“You never gave up, I’ll do like-wise”.

My Current life..

2006-07-04T01:20:00.000+08:00

Dear, You(s)

Man my time to serve the nation is finally approaching. The people and the things around me has certainly changed quite a bit. This year.. i've made many new friends in church. People like sera, gwen, shao qi, xiu ting, the teens.. and many more. gosh.. god is exceptionally kind this season.. haha.. i've got a few new polo tees too! and.. well.. learn to work and serve in different areas as well. Family is doing pretty okay now.. thank god for the anti-calamity. Brother is loving god even more everyday now.. thanx to his new city harvest frds. Mum is happy :) i've stopped nagging and scolding her for now! its certainly worth it! Sis just graduated and im glad she really did well for her attachment :).. Sera is doing really well! heard so much stories about how much she has grown to be a better disciple for god.. im just so proud of her for her nv dying spirit!.. Kevin is struggling a lil but god hasnt really stopped blessing him with his wonders yet(gosh so jealous) haha.. but kev is walking better in his spiritual life now..more confident too! and! Rog and Eve are finally married! Happy couple! felt so special helping them with their wedding vidz! i wish you both well! hopefully i'll find my other half in time to come too!.. Melvyn is improving slowly.. opening up to pple abt his life.. slowly grabbing chances to help pple in their times of need (ty mel :>). GY & HS.. lil the lovely brother pair.. haha you guys has certainly taught me a whole lot of things in life :) Oh, Joanna is in taiwan! show casing her project right now! hope she'll win! (all the best sis!).. Zhiwei is spending more time with me now.. haha farnie fellow.. but i really learn so much from him.. appreciate him for coming all the way down to tampines to jog and MAKAN with me (dun emo bro ;)). Oh! went down to Joke n Jo's work place too! had so much fun wif u guys! thanx for always being so fun and helpful! hmm.. Fiona's exams r over! yuppie!! you already did your best so dun worrie too much alrite? :) u've done me proud!. Ronald is awesome! keep buying me godly stuff hahaha! so encouraging of you to keep updating yourself about my life. thank you :).. and of coz not forgetting my wonder sisters in the group! Wandy, Peishi, Yunita, Val, Millie, Yngster, Karen and our new addition! NANCY! thank you so much for hte warm welcome to ACE and the consistant encouragement you guys have brought me :). Its 1:48am now.. and the clock is ticking away fast.. time is so so limited but these memories r certainly worth the keep. Oh and the many others i havent mention.. well guess wat! you guys r all special to me too! i've reserved some units in my hdb(Heart Depth Bank) for you guys! so not to worry! you r all remembered! not forgetting! my lord and savior.. jesus christ. September the 8th.. please come soon!!
Love,
Me

All it takes..

2006-05-30T02:11:00.000+08:00

3 hard blows was all he gave.. with a piercing breathe.. he silently stabs. Again he proved himself mighty.. and claims the guy above has no control over him. His laughter was disgusting, damaging the puny ears of his victims. The way he stares at them.. was always with pleasure and glee.. as his victims indulge themselves foolishly with the “blessings” he gave. There wasn’t any light in that place of his.. all there was were dull rocks.. burning flames and maggots that will never vanish. His puppets.. were stringed to chains and hooks.. as he played with them in his lonely dark cell.. every string he pulled.. the puppets gave out silent cries.. they were helpless.. because there was no way out anymore. All they could do was dream and regret the things they didn’t treasure.. crying.. themselves to an endless death..

blood.. sulphur.. dust.. the darkness.. is it really worth it..
a tear of repentance.. a simple prayer.. was all that was needed.. to push him back from the children of the true almighty.

It was just so.. simple..

How would you like to present yourself to the almighty..
With clean pleasant clothes and a flawless face?
What would be the first thing you’ll say to him..
Good day? Thanks for the smooth journey dude?

He’ll present himself with scars and wounds done by the evil one.. as he struggles endlessly to humble himself before the almighty.. his face will rot and decay.. from the painful cries and sadness he suffered.. just to humble himself before him.. with blood all over his head to his feet.. as he crawled lethargically out of the temptation of sin. Every surface of his body.. was a complete disaster.. horrid and unappreciated to the eyes of men.

But then he’ll smile.. with all the strength he can conjure up.. he spoke with a gentle whisper.. “I’m home.. my lord.. I’m home..”

And there he was.. standing in front of that amazing figure.. with his bruised body.. smiling like a silly lil child in front of his father.. as the figure caresses his cheeks wiping the blood from his deformed eye.. saying “It was all worth it.. you are truly.. my son… no one will harm you.. no one will hate you ever again..”. Putting his arms firmly around his son.. he led him into his room..

“Your battle.. is over”

Minnie Riperton - Loving you

2006-05-25T04:02:00.000+08:00

Yup.. the last title reminded me of this song.. gosh kept running thru my mind the whole day lol. *sigh* isnt it sweet to juz fall in love :) lalalalala~

Loving you..

2006-05-24T02:14:00.000+08:00

Here i stand before you my lord.. not worthy in your eyes.. as i plead for an answer. Being harden within i feel nthing but numb towards anything that comes my way. Am i really a problem or solution. how can i stop this constant disappointment. I don't want to be a failure anymore. Ever since the day i called you my lord.. i havent kept things that i promised you.. I tell myself.. i can overcome any challenges that comes my way.. but i still hide away in darkness when ever a task is placed before me. Denial was my only tool.. hardly was it from love and concern.. my situation grew worse.. my life became dull.. i am the perfect.. imperfect human.. who would appreciate such a man.. discouraged.. lifeless.. with a multitude of inabilities.. here.. r the undesired characteristics of the world.. but to you father.. i hope u appreciate my honesty.. and pick this lil withered flower up.. i really wanna know how to love you.. i really wanna be like them.. but how hard i try.. im still a failure in the end.. but i still believe theres a way.. that is why im still finding hard... to love you dear father.. from the depths of my heart.

"With the music he sings.. im deaf to follow.."

Gifted as we all are.

2006-05-01T01:27:00.000+08:00

How often do pple write about their tots? their life? their dreams? some.. everyday perhaps.. others.. prefer to keep it within themselves. But don't we all feel the same way? Its either your really downcast or really happy. How different are we all? I bet we r even able to do the impossible.. lk maybe as simple as waking up at 4am in the morning to pray? or hmm.. buying breakfast for someone at 6am in the morning and deliver it to their doorstep! isnt that a talent already! In my life im blessed with soo many many things.. the people i have met in church especially.. man.. just from 1 guy (kevin) i'll grown to know so many other people. they are all soo special and perfect in their own unique ways.. gosh i love u guys. I've learnt to let go off so many bad things in life.. and fought soo hard to achieve the impossible. Yet still.. i fall back so many times.. tempted by the world i still relied so much on my own foolish principles to sort my pathetic problems out.. it nv did work. i was nv the active sort.. u know.. writing scriptures and all.. i always tot i was different.. but after i spoke to a few brothers abt my prb.. i know i was not alone :) simplicity isnt an impact in my life anymore.. even a simple i love you sounds stupid and lame somehow.. somewhere up there.. i know his looking down and "tsking" at me.. lol.. arrogant and blinded as i am.. i still look into the sky and smile sometimes.. i know his there.. just working out this wacky plans for me.. this crazy dad.. always amuses me one way or another.. im gonna be tat chip off the old block.. i'll work hard.. i promise..

The wonderful things he has given me:

-The silly relationships

-The heroes in my life

-The surprising jobs i had do.

-The 0_0 (stunned) places he allowed me visit

- Not to mention the food..

- Gave me the confidence to take on my exams!(not bad la!)

- The people he allowed me to love

- The friendships he gave me

...even the unlikeliest ones

-The Talents he gave me..

-...and even LEARN to appreciate -_-

- He took me away from the DARK...

- ...And introduced me to the LIGHT

"I look at these photograph.. everytime i do it makes me laugh.. Thank you dad :)"

Nickelback - Savin me

2006-04-15T14:48:00.001+08:00

Prison gates wont open up for me
On these hands and knees Im crawlin
Oh, I reach for you
Well Im terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please Im callin
And oh I scream for you
Hurry Im fallin... im fallin

Show me what its like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And Ill show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And Ill leave this life behind me
Say it if its worth saving me

Heavens gates wont open up for me
With these broken wings Im fallin
And all I see is you
These city walls aint got no love for me
Im on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please Im callin... im callin
And all I need from you
Hurry Im fallin...I'm fallin

Show me what its like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And Ill show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And Ill leave this life behind me
Say it if its worth saving me

Hurry Im fallin.. Hurry im fallin...

"How desperate are we all? how blinded by arrogance we are.. lord.. hurry.. im fallin.. im callin"

The pressure of the thumb

2006-04-14T05:30:00.000+08:00

It comes to a point in time when you know, decisions has to be made and something has to be done. Even when decisions are made, questions starts popping out like popcorns, some.. trying to go against your views.. while others are just curious why such ridiculous confirmations are made.
There can never be a perfect reason to every situation, and i'm sure relationships will be affected. But as the only man in my household, its time to secure my family. Doubts of becoming a perfect brother and son still haunts me. But whatever it is... im willing to take this risky and bold step to lead the ones i love so much. Sacrifices have to be made.. lots of intangible promises to keep.. i'll either make em or break em.. i don't know what the future holds.. i'll let god make this decision.

"Guide me dad, as i ride this stormy sea with my hands tightly fastened on the wheel"

Just one day..

2006-03-23T02:23:00.000+08:00

Till this day, i never had a great or specific dream to chase or achieve. Trying to be good in a particular area never really work out well for me. Passion? Dreams? Talents?.. I can never find them or even so.. hold on to them. Well.. maybe theres one thing im good at.. that is to stay discouraged and complacent. I always tot to myself.. god made everyone to be good in something.. at least... be gd in something.. but i never tot.. it will all turn out to be dissatisfying in some sense. Men.. aren't we all trying so hard to please one another all the time? and judging one another like as if we were the kings and queens of the earth. Even so.. it still brings dissatisfaction.. we all live in a fallen world.. decomposing each day as time passes.. endless battles between hatred and love lingers on the heart of men. Why did he even created it? Why did he create me..
I really gotta know the dreams he have for me..
he is my only way out...
he is my only hope..
he is my only comfort..
he is my only salvation.

"I'm the gum under ur shoe"

Killer Quiz

2006-03-08T06:07:00.000+08:00

Lai le Lai le!!
Ohoh~~ Try ur luck!

Take My Quiz
- on -
QuizYourFriends.com!

De-railed

2006-03-07T04:30:00.000+08:00

Why must they do this? What do they really want?
So much for all the sweet reminiscence. What are those sweet messages and attention for? When it only lasted a while. Why are all of them the same.. When I tried so hard to pick myself up from a wounded situation.. I landed right smack into another one. Everyone of them r like lil ticking time bombs.. you cant really trust them at first. But when you get close enough because you think there might just be a lil bit of hope left in them.. it explodes right in your face. Oh gosh.. I wonder what my next step would be like.. really.. whats wrong with me.. did I really do something horrible to push them away from me? I dun know.. was I insensitive? Or maybe Im just thinking too much.. sigh.. you just can’t be yourself these days.. everything I do seem to turn pple off.. how much perfection do they really seek..

"They.. Them.. Everyone.. why..im de-railed"

The Days ahead!

2006-02-28T22:46:00.000+08:00

AHh!~~ Freeeeedom rings from side to side.. but not for long i guess.. until my enlistment letter comes.. im FREE! haha.. as promised.. i'll work hard spiritually now.. as much as i can tat is.. haha. Man.. can't wait for the mission trip to seremban.. and my bangkok vacation! after tat.. i better start working.. life goes on.. from better to worse..and it cycles through again. Oh yea! wakeboarding this thursday! how cool! haha.. soo proud of fiona last week.. first it was felicia's baptism.. then she went up on stage for communion taking.. and next week her granddad is getting baptize!~ woo.. god's really getting things done in her life. Gd job gal! My group too! haha 1 new sista in ACE now.. gosh.. how amazing it is.. Well.. new month.. its March now.. soo many things to do.. so many new challenges to face.. Ahh.. life is good.. too good to be true.. haha.. think i'm gonna start planning hang outz now.. gotta grow Grow GROW!! Peace Outtiez~

*Trust in him.. and ask him for anything"

Less than 24hrs

2006-02-24T00:46:00.000+08:00

The last full stop.. and i was.. kindda done. thinking back.. *sigh*.. all the effort i've put into my studies.. struggled like crazy.. photocopying of notes.. waiting for my lecturers to end their classes to ask for desperate tips.. praying like crazy to get my mind off distractions and u know.. for the paper to be easy. Haha.. farnie.. its the last day already.. the end of my poly semester.. a new phase in life.. at the very last min as i placed my pens neatly on the table and arranged my books... i knew it was all worth it.. the fun i had.. the struggles i faced.. the bad luck tat comes my way before every tests or examination.. all ends.. here. i know more and new challenges awaits me.. but then again.. i'm really glad god guided me through this one. Haha.. poly life.. nv had the perfect frds.. nv had the perfect grades... nv had the perfect attire.. nv had the perfect poly gf.. the hang outs.. the eca.. but i've got the perfect savior.. christ.

"The intangible beauty.."

Limit Break

2006-02-22T17:52:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna break down mentally soon.. 2 gone.. 2 more to go.. so far its been pretty much ok.. now it comes down to the tough part.. 2 papers on the same day.. gotta steam on a lil bit more.. argh.. why is it wed.. the trees look so beautiful.. swaying so gently... soo SLAAACCKKK~~~~!!!! NOOO!!!! I MISS DOING TAT!~~ Dota.. movies.. sentosa.. late nite suppers... laughing at stupid senseless jokes.. making stupid videos and editing them.. OOooo why WHY!! too bad.. its still wed... *sigh* back to reality.. thumbs up to god.. HUMPH! ur the man!.. I'm gonna put in my best effort in studying! Plz continue to support me!! and i pray i wont get enlisted in march too.. oh gosh.. hope its in june.. i still wanna play.. *Hhhmmmm.... dotaaaa......* OOOOOOHHHH SNAP OUT OF IT!!~ OK! time to take a cold shower then drink hot coffeee and study! Wooo! 2 more 2 more! Then i'll play 10 games of DOTA!! WOOOO!!!!

"Stupid trees..."

How is it so?

2006-02-22T00:39:00.000+08:00

Home-based today, practically spend the day studying.. watching tv.. studying.. eating.. studying.. Ouch.. didnt really understand wat i was studying too.. gosh super low confidence now, don't even know if i can pull thru for tml paper. shucks i hate this feeling.. soo much to memorize.. but i cant seem to keep it in.. maybe im tired.. i dunno.. how? maybe studying at home wasnt really a gd choice after all. man.. at times lk this u really come in handy.. darn.. tking u for granted again.. i apologize.. *sigh*.. its only lk wed.. half way there.. 3 more to go.. supp paper im gonna get anot.. i'll leave it up to u lord.. juz thinking abt the grades im gonna get a few weeks later at the beep of my hp really burdens me.. Cs and Ds again? oh man.. final yr results man.. lets see some Bs.. haha.. i really wanna do well.. been trying my best.. r u reallly really gonna help me? selfish desires from this sinful man again.. do so lil.. ask for so much.. well! watever the outcome maybe.. i know u've got a better plan for mi! challenges comes my way.. i gotta pray and stand firm! i Think tats the onli thing i can hold on tightly for now.. another challenging day tml.. i'm gonna give it all i got! HAIL JESUS!!

"Maybe i should be a carpenter.."

Chilling with my pal

2006-02-21T01:59:00.000+08:00

Pretty much.. a fine day today. The killer sun... the brown dried grass.. the so called puddles of muddle ocean i step into every 5 mins while walking to sch.. Woo! adrenaline rush.. as usual before the exams.. brain packed with words and numbers.. looking into the massive sports hall.. the sun shining in my face.. giving me the cool look as i walk towards my seat (HAHAHA). paper came,done,gone.. phew.. praised god tt the paper was OOoo-tay~ went to have my yummy Chickon Chop.. then *sigh* study again.. played ninja with my brother at home at diff intervals while studying too.. throwing pencils and erasers lk ninja-stars.. haha gosh it was fun.. phew.. 2am.. long day.. kept listening to Lee-hom's songs today.. gosh i really wanna sing so badly. Miss the crazy ktv sessions.. argh.. miss the sermon again today.. coz i gotta STUDY!~~ Ol' set me free from this week of PAIN~~ Gods plan.. rite.. gotta remember tat.. pass or fail or score Z.. rite rite.. gods plan.. so Hows ur QT Ol' lord? haha.. bet no one ask u tat question before huh? or even.. So... hows ur spiritual life so far jesus?.. a knock in a head for saying tat.. haha.. amazing as u r.. u blessed us in so many ways.. imperfect as i am.. ur always with me.. ai kia steady mai? lol.. hope i made u smile.. with this silly talent u gave me.. i am the way u construct me to be.. and well.. i like it buddy ;) touch up a lil bit on the height if u please? haha.. nahz im good.. shall hang with you someday when i get there.. maybe a lil bit of teh-peng,milo-peng,kopi-peng.. you choose.. its on me :). U surely am a pal to me.. i might be a lil bit late lk i always am.. but i'll get there.. just be sure to give mi a morning/afternoon/evening call when the day comes.. might even bring a friend or two along.. Oo maybe my family? they r nice pple.. remember them? the ones u craved the words "u'll be together in heaven" when u made them? yea! thats the ones! you really gotta help me out bud.. exams r here.. so much stress.. so lil time to hang.. hey.. give mi some tips and a lil bit of guidiance yea? sure need em :) Oh look at the time.. God my pal.. from the day i met u.. we were made for each other. Peace out my love.

"Do you believe in love at first sight? he does, im sure"

2006-02-19T17:22:00.000+08:00

All these time through outward view
Her loveliness I never knew.
Oh, then I saw her eye so bright,
a well of love, a spring of light.

I’ve loved her so, I must confess,
Her radiant smile outshines the rest.
A feeling not the jewelled mine
Could teach or bribe me to define.

For she who thence could solace bring
To my lone imagining—
Whose solitary soul with love and kind
The love of thee, I’ll surely bind.

"if only god is a gal.. "

Chasing after a fallen dream

2006-02-19T02:21:00.000+08:00

Though many times i wondered why man cant live the life he wants to live. Still at the back of my head i know somehow, it would never be a pleasant one if he manages to achieve it. Reality was never once pleasant to start with. The whole "acceptance into society" people try so hard to achieve.. Getting that life they always wanted.. Never seem to work out at the end of it all. Even if it does.. Always never satisfied. How do you embrace life meaningfully then? Simple.. juz learn to live with it. whats the purpose? yet again simple.. to live for God. Why? because you gotta go to church to find out. Haha being a christian.. one heck of a struggle. Contradictions.. Guilts.. Hatred.. Anger.. Brings the worse out of us humans. But why still become one if all we get is these factors? Some might say because.. You gotta come up close and personal with your own blinded sin and deal with it. My opinion? because i think it makes you stronger and much more.. aware of what is happening within you. Who can ever be perfect? the endless struggles of arguments of whose perfect and who isn't. But its for a fact that we are all perfect. Born blinded, short, pimpled faced or whatever.. We r perfect. Why? Because he made it so. The Perfect talents he gave us.. The perfect sin he knows we will commit.. The perfect impact all of us will have on people whether positive or not. Ha.. What a crazy life.. What silly things people do and not get bored of it.. I know his there somewhere.. Just laughing at these lil tots right now.. evil.. ;)

"You never seem to run out of ideas to make our lives interesting. tsk"

Walking on these thorns..

2005-12-18T23:39:00.000+08:00

why am i getting all this? what are your plans for me? i cheated on you so many times.. and how disgusted i feel just calling myself a servant to you. Its true, the path i choose... the feelings i wish to have.. all depends on me.. this void i feel.. do i feel this because i am not close to you.. the stories i heard from others.. the wonders in their lives.. is it really that amazing? that spectacular?day by day i feel this way.. unconstructive.. worried.. and weak.. how is it so that everyone else i know is someone great.. someone talented.. i tried.. isnt it gd enough? lazy i am.. weak i feel.. confusion fills this pathetic mind.. let me make you smile again.. embrace me once more.. to feel that your there.. im scared.. i really am.. lead me back to the path you want me to lead.. please don't leave me.. i'm scared.. i need you father.. i really do..

"love. What is its defination?"